Stories and Starlight

hello . it's been awkward. six hours and thousands of miles but not a word was said to  bridge the gap, only a sprinkling of laughter: crumbly plastery filling,  forced lightness, because we can't seem to accept the darkness:  that cramped pretense we put up instead, a poor protection for what should be spoken, but hangs out to dry on the fine line of silence,  waiting, perhaps, for when we turn and (actually) say  hello. it's been tiring. three years and thousands of conversations but hardly a word was said to  bridge the gap, only a sprinkling of outings: flimsy sugary filling, like melting ice cream, because we can't seem to have a full meal, that duty called "quality time" by convention ,  hiding the longing for something substantial but giving in to habit just one more time, waiting, perhaps, for when we try to (really) say hello. it's been difficult. one childhood and thousands of memories but not a word I've said to bridge the gap, only a scrapb...

Every film in this post was something I watched during the fall of 2020. I talked about the first four in another post , but I pasted the reviews here anyway because I wanted to have a complete list of everything I watched and wrote about.

Yes, I am aware that it's no longer October or November. Or 2020, for that matter. But I re-discovered this post, drowning in my sea of unfinished blogpost drafts, and decided it had some good thoughts that deserved publication. They're just... four months late.

why couldn't it be me? every time I remember, there's a hollow in my heart and no one knows how deep it goes: not because my heart is empty but because I'm so full of desire someone's out there in a place I want to be in a role I want to play but I'm the one who prayed I'm the one who crafted the dream I'm the one who read the books and wrote character studies I'm the one who ran deep into my own ambition and all I have left are saltwater tears and a heart overfull,  over years of dreaming and nowhere to go with it. why am I here? what happened to the promises? and maybe I'm in denial, but what do I have to grieve? maybe losing these dreams is like losing lives; except these lives never existed outside of me,  so maybe a part of me is lost too. what a puzzle grief is; what a puzzle I am. worlds collide behind my eyelids  but the world outside my window leaves much to wish for, and desperation drifts into the mix. how much longer do I have to wait? Yo...

Belated stream-of-consciousness birthday post! It's a mix of what I wrote in my journal, what I posted on Instagram that day, and some other thoughts to pull it all together. Italicized lines are from the song " Crossing a Bridge " from the Anastasia  Broadway musical. I've messed around with this writing style before, although I don't think I've ever published anything like it. It was very enjoyable -- that is, once I figured out where I was going with it.

via

I first saw the idea of " months in review " on another blog, amid these embers (which you should definitely check out), and I really liked the concept of summarizing my month, so I decided I'd give it a try. I've created my own template inspired by the original one but with a few differences, because I wanted it be unique and not an identical copy, which would be wrong. I'm saying this so you won't give me credit for the original idea. It is not mine and I believe I should respect that. So why am I writing this post? I really, really love remembering things. I'm very nostalgic and while I have a very good memory for some things, the passage of time is not one of them. So the principal reason for doing this to record the notable things that happen in a way that lets me see more of a big-picture idea of what a certain month was like when I look back. This is my first time writing something like this, so bear with me. I tried my best to make it interesting,...