Stories and Starlight

I tried to write about love, but   everything I want to express has already been written. (a shelf weighed down by vinyl records, decades of lyricisms for love and heartbreak.) I forced myself to write about love, but  I can't remember what I saw in you the first time -- I don't even know if I want you anymore.  (a case file with faded photographs, all proof too dated and aged for the detective.) I started to write about love, but  it strained my thoughts and muddled my feelings too much to try. (a never-ending book, an unsolvable puzzle, pages and pieces scattered over the floor.) I wanted to write about love -- about you --  but (a smudged page, gray marks from words I tried to take back.)   at least I know I tried.

It was silent storytelling: words and noise traded for music and movement among the soft swishing of skirts, tapping of feet and a solid scuff-marked stage underneath. All tethers of reality, identity thrown off no names, but feelings and faces half in a dream no worries, but wild forgetting within practiced routine no time, but the infinite now --  spotlighted: fragile and strong, safe and free. **** author's note(s):  As a child (wow, it feels really strange to say that), I was a ballet dancer for six years: I started when I was three and stopped at age nine.  This was originally written in 2020

Let me laugh for the sheer joy of laughing; laugh for the feeling of freedom that follows after a smile that can no longer contain itself. Let me cry over things both beautiful and heartbreaking; cry unashamed to shed the tears that bind us in our brokenness. Let me sing, let me shout, let me rise to great heights, unafraid of the name or the fame. With words and a pen, my voice and each choice, making this message heard, trying  to the very end. Let me see things strange in the mundane, see what You saw in a girl with great flaws, yet You called me by name. Let me cast off the fear that has shackled me, cast off the weight of the worries I carry. Let me marvel at the every wonder, at every star, at every tree, at every breath, every step, every beat of this unsteady heart. Laughing, crying, singing, sighing, trying - there's nowhere to go if I'm on my own, but with You, I will find  my identity. ______ Written: April 21, 2020

inspired by lyrics for "WE'RE GONNA BE ALRIGHT" by Switchfoot if you laugh until you cry or cry until you laugh; whatever the order, you'll be out of breath, your sides will hurt, you'll come out stronger than before. it's okay to cry. it's okay to laugh. it's okay to feel.  your emotions don't define you, they are only a part of you.  so don't be afraid to cry. when you've held it in too long and the balloon pops, let yourself go for a bit. take a breath, a new step, and don't forget - you're gonna be alright. so don't be afraid to laugh. when joy is uncontrollable and fun is uncontainable, let yourself go for a bit. take a breath (you know how much you need it), find the spring in your step, and don't forget - you're gonna be alright.  so don't be afraid to feel. some days your emotions will be elusive, some days they'll form a tidal wave, and when that wave crashes, and all that you feel in that moment is just...

_________________________________________________________________________________ "Do something fun." FUN? What's fun? Lately the things I once did simply because I loved them have become almost like work. Simply tasks, little boxes to be checked off. And not that there's anything wrong with checking off the boxes (I love the feeling) but still... Where's the heart? Where's the fire? Where's the passion? Goals and ambitions can only take you so far. You know how the saying goes, all writers have writers' block, all artists have periods of no inspiration. And I know for every burst of inspiration there will be twice as much the need for determination, but all the same... Where's the heart? Where's the fire? Where's the passion? Discipline can only take you so far. I've lived so long in this endless round of to-do lists and deadlines and assignments that it has become my life. That kind of life means you wil...