Stories and Starlight

i. the guardian your wings are warm and wide they circle the nest, cover it, envelop it Security.  you tell us someday, the wings will be gone,  nothing to separate us from the sky and air and the fall Alone. Free.  Terrifying. but words exist and evaporate (promises, promises…) while walls of wings remain. ii. the fledgling my wings have just come in.  they are imperfect, there are still feathers left to grow peering over the edge, I can see so far. Possibility.   I tell you someday I’ll be out and gone,  nothing to tether me back from  the sky and the air and the fall Alone. Terrified.  Free.  but the passage of time is too slow and not fast enough. I’m running out. I wonder how far I have to fall before I float (soon, one day soon…)  and if the pain of the                               ...

photo via unsplash i just wish it could be simple i wish an onion didn’t have so many layers i wish the peeling of papery wrappers wouldn’t make me want to cry i wish that time could be examined  i wish moments could be held i wish you and i together had a reason, had a rhyme i wish love could be the answer i wish romance wouldn’t lie i wish little things like these every time we say goodbye i wish i’d leaned my head against your shoulder i wish you’d look me in the eye i wish it wouldn’t be so complicated to move on and have a life i wish i was a kinder person i wish well for you and her, but i wish i had been honest; when you asked, i said “i’m fine.” i wish the energy hadn’t faded i wish we’d lasted as a team i wish that at the very least, that was something i could keep i just wish it could be simple i wish i knew the reason why i keep wishing for a friendship that might really be a lie. *originally written in june 2021

aspiration (n.) |   steadfast longing for a higher goal, earnest desire for something above one. I. there's a screen in front of me, a keyboard under my fingers, a tune in my ears, but it's not enough to bring me out of my head. there's tomorrow in front of me,  and today's passing before my eyes, but no song in my heart, no words for my pen, no exit for my emotion. it sits and swells inside, bringing tears that threaten to spill over my smile. I don't know what to do about tomorrow, I don't know what to do about myself. II. I told you I didn't want to be just another face in the crowd. you said I would be just that unless I changed, and I don't want just that: I want to be more, to do more, to live more -- but all I do is feel  more, and the feelings bring me  down  into  myself. III. feelings are supposed to be liberating, but instead it seems they're limiting they consume me, like a river with nowhere to run they build until they pool, but never ...

why couldn't it be me? every time I remember, there's a hollow in my heart and no one knows how deep it goes: not because my heart is empty but because I'm so full of desire someone's out there in a place I want to be in a role I want to play but I'm the one who prayed I'm the one who crafted the dream I'm the one who read the books and wrote character studies I'm the one who ran deep into my own ambition and all I have left are saltwater tears and a heart overfull,  over years of dreaming and nowhere to go with it. why am I here? what happened to the promises? and maybe I'm in denial, but what do I have to grieve? maybe losing these dreams is like losing lives; except these lives never existed outside of me,  so maybe a part of me is lost too. what a puzzle grief is; what a puzzle I am. worlds collide behind my eyelids  but the world outside my window leaves much to wish for, and desperation drifts into the mix. how much longer do I have to wait? Yo...

Belated stream-of-consciousness birthday post! It's a mix of what I wrote in my journal, what I posted on Instagram that day, and some other thoughts to pull it all together. Italicized lines are from the song " Crossing a Bridge " from the Anastasia  Broadway musical. I've messed around with this writing style before, although I don't think I've ever published anything like it. It was very enjoyable -- that is, once I figured out where I was going with it.

via

"Who I am and who I wanna be cannot connect; why? .... I know I like to preach to always be yourself / but my emotions make me feel like i am someone else Me and pride had made a pact that we don't need no help / which feels like I'm at war inside myself but I forgot the shells  I hold my issue up for all to see, like show and tell / A lot of people know me, but not a lot know me well."  from " WHY " by NF

Let me laugh for the sheer joy of laughing; laugh for the feeling of freedom that follows after a smile that can no longer contain itself. Let me cry over things both beautiful and heartbreaking; cry unashamed to shed the tears that bind us in our brokenness. Let me sing, let me shout, let me rise to great heights, unafraid of the name or the fame. With words and a pen, my voice and each choice, making this message heard, trying  to the very end. Let me see things strange in the mundane, see what You saw in a girl with great flaws, yet You called me by name. Let me cast off the fear that has shackled me, cast off the weight of the worries I carry. Let me marvel at the every wonder, at every star, at every tree, at every breath, every step, every beat of this unsteady heart. Laughing, crying, singing, sighing, trying - there's nowhere to go if I'm on my own, but with You, I will find  my identity. ______ Written: April 21, 2020

inspired by lyrics for "WE'RE GONNA BE ALRIGHT" by Switchfoot if you laugh until you cry or cry until you laugh; whatever the order, you'll be out of breath, your sides will hurt, you'll come out stronger than before. it's okay to cry. it's okay to laugh. it's okay to feel.  your emotions don't define you, they are only a part of you.  so don't be afraid to cry. when you've held it in too long and the balloon pops, let yourself go for a bit. take a breath, a new step, and don't forget - you're gonna be alright. so don't be afraid to laugh. when joy is uncontrollable and fun is uncontainable, let yourself go for a bit. take a breath (you know how much you need it), find the spring in your step, and don't forget - you're gonna be alright.  so don't be afraid to feel. some days your emotions will be elusive, some days they'll form a tidal wave, and when that wave crashes, and all that you feel in that moment is just...

_________________________________________________________________________________ "Do something fun." FUN? What's fun? Lately the things I once did simply because I loved them have become almost like work. Simply tasks, little boxes to be checked off. And not that there's anything wrong with checking off the boxes (I love the feeling) but still... Where's the heart? Where's the fire? Where's the passion? Goals and ambitions can only take you so far. You know how the saying goes, all writers have writers' block, all artists have periods of no inspiration. And I know for every burst of inspiration there will be twice as much the need for determination, but all the same... Where's the heart? Where's the fire? Where's the passion? Discipline can only take you so far. I've lived so long in this endless round of to-do lists and deadlines and assignments that it has become my life. That kind of life means you wil...