ode to aspiration

aspiration (n.) | steadfast longing for a higher goal, earnest desire for something above one.

I.

there's a screen in front of me,

a keyboard under my fingers,
a tune in my ears,

but it's not enough to bring me

out of my head.

there's tomorrow in front of me, 

and today's passing before my eyes,

but no song in my heart,

no words for my pen,

no exit for my emotion.

it sits and swells inside,

bringing tears that threaten to spill over my smile.

I don't know what to do about tomorrow,

I don't know what to do about myself.

II.

I told you I didn't want to be

just another face in the crowd.

you said I would be just that unless I changed,

and I don't want just that:

I want to be more, to do more, to live more --

but all I do is feel more,

and the feelings bring me 

down 

into 

myself.

III.

feelings are supposed to be liberating,

but instead it seems they're limiting

they consume me, like a river with nowhere to run

they build until they pool, but never overflow -- 

until a careless move shatters the dam.

and I wonder why silence is fragile, 

why it gives away so much:

explosions are always louder among silence.

IV. 

you're like the ocean, whose pain breaks upon me like a wave and pulls me under, 

drowns me in intensity with depth I cannot fathom. 

so I flail and scream and try to match the current with my strength,.

but the sea is older and wiser than I.

I want to be known. I want to break free.

original draft written on November 19, 2020 after a difficult conversation; edited July 15, 2021

Works Cited: 

Harper, Douglas. “Online Etymology Dictionary.” Etymonline.com, 2015, www.etymonline.com. Accessed 15 July 2021.

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