Stories and Starlight

i retraced my steps today, walked circles around my younger self. here is the place where i first hugged my best friend; the place where i now stand, five years later. here is the me of fourteen years,  as i look into the mirror and see her superimposed over me. she's still there, peeking out from behind my eyes and over the rim of my glasses. a face from before: all dark eyes and frizzed curls, anxiety, naivete. now, a face that betrays my mind a million times over; angled jaw and red lipstick. here is the memory; the inside-out deja vu; as i lose my sense of direction, and turn to find it again. originally written on july 3, 2022. photo by me.

friday, june 18 - saturday, june 26, 2021 --|--|--|-- || the highlights what happened that stood out This the first week I can remember in a long time when I've felt such a wide range of emotions, and I get the feeling it won't be the last.  iCon 2021 was a rollercoaster, but nevertheless a blast. One of my struggles was learning to be adaptable and working without a clear plan of what was coming next. I like to plan ahead and be prepared for possible outcomes, so I struggle a lot with  So, a little overview list: - a genuine sense of camaraderie - competing in my final tournament at the iCon 2021 International Championship - making it to showcase with our Much Ado About Nothing  OrAd and winning FIRST PLACE!! - working with the 15-18 year old student track - intern photo and video shoots - spontaneous dance parties - becoming well-acquainted with the hallway mirror, in which many selfies were taken - wildflower crowns - a really cute hat I got while exploring the neighbo...

In January, roads and journeys began and came to an end. Namely, I turned eighteen (the end of "childhood") and began Prospective Internship. I also saw some new opportunities for my acting journey. I met a professional actor, we connected, questions and advice were exchanged, and the chance of more acting training in the future was brought up. ( I feel such hope for the future I just know I've got to be on the right path, I thought.) In February, my heart was broken. For someone with no real experience in romantic relationships, I'd been struggling with my feelings for a while. That month, I wrestled with the growing realization that my romantic feelings and my real-life goals and convictions didn't align. That month, reality also slapped me in the face, and it stung. ( I hate this. But at least I know it'll serve as fuel for my poetry,  I sighed.) In March, my to-do list was filled to the seams. I had the unique experience of getting to teach a class about ...

Belated stream-of-consciousness birthday post! It's a mix of what I wrote in my journal, what I posted on Instagram that day, and some other thoughts to pull it all together. Italicized lines are from the song " Crossing a Bridge " from the Anastasia  Broadway musical. I've messed around with this writing style before, although I don't think I've ever published anything like it. It was very enjoyable -- that is, once I figured out where I was going with it.

"Who I am and who I wanna be cannot connect; why? .... I know I like to preach to always be yourself / but my emotions make me feel like i am someone else Me and pride had made a pact that we don't need no help / which feels like I'm at war inside myself but I forgot the shells  I hold my issue up for all to see, like show and tell / A lot of people know me, but not a lot know me well."  from " WHY " by NF

i wouldn't have known if i was alone,  i wouldn't have known  what it is  to step up  to stand up to speak up to grow up. if i was alone,  i wouldn't have known  how it feels to reach for a dream  to fail to fall into a sea of words holding me up, saying "it's not the end," "get up,"  and "try again," "fall, but fall forward." your words guide me onward. you've offered me an hand and pulled me up and now, i can't say it enough: thank God i'm not alone, because then i wouldn't have known what it means to love. _________________________ dedicated to each and every person who has been a light to me during my years in ICC (plus my mom). i think you all know who you are <3 poem: September 25, 2019 photo: January 16, 2020 at ICC's IGNITE Winter Advance, Cedine Ministries Camp, Spring City, Tennessee