the months before internship

In January, roads and journeys began and came to an end. Namely, I turned eighteen (the end of "childhood") and began Prospective Internship. I also saw some new opportunities for my acting journey. I met a professional actor, we connected, questions and advice were exchanged, and the chance of more acting training in the future was brought up.

(I feel such hope for the future I just know I've got to be on the right path, I thought.)

In February, my heart was broken. For someone with no real experience in romantic relationships, I'd been struggling with my feelings for a while. That month, I wrestled with the growing realization that my romantic feelings and my real-life goals and convictions didn't align. That month, reality also slapped me in the face, and it stung.

(I hate this. But at least I know it'll serve as fuel for my poetry, I sighed.)

In March, my to-do list was filled to the seams. I had the unique experience of getting to teach a class about Online Basics to four other ICC students -- scary at first, frustrating at times, but worthwhile in the end. I slogged through Saturday after Saturday of  rather dull online Drivers' Education classes, although my teacher's wicked strong Rhode Island accent was the real point of interest. I procrastinated and then raced to prepare for a public speaking tournament, failed in some areas, exceeded my expectations in others (but in the moment all I really felt was failure) and overall realized that a Great And Terrible Fear Of Missing Out should not be the only reason I sign up for things. I reconnected with my actor friend from January, scheduled some zoom calls, and for the first time, I received some legitimate coaching, actor to actor. We started with a Shakespeare monologue -- Lady Macbeth's first entrance in Macbeth. (Clearly, a very simple, lighthearted starting point. Definitely didn't throw myself into the deep end or anything.) But wait! There's more! This was the month I found out that I had been accepted onto the 2021 intern team.

(Wow, so these dreams are actually happening, I marveled.)

In April, I dropped into a very low valley. I had some very difficult weeks of self-loathing. If March tested my scheduling skills, April tested my heart. I hated myself and my life. But all this emotional warfare resulted in beginning to meet with my counselor again, and that has prepared me spiritually for internship more than I know. Aside from that, I finished my second-to-last year of high school. God bless my classmates and the deep conversations we have every week, I thought.

(How can life be so undeniably "good," and yet feel so unbearably awful? I wondered.)

In May, I began to climb out of the valley and onto more even ground. Things improved, slowly, but there were still family conflicts to work out. The idea of internship began to feel more real. May brought walks on the bike path, gatherings with my cousins, and a day in Boston with my classmates to find out "who could finish the most escape rooms in four hours." There's nothing like some healthy competition between friends. (The girls' team won. Obviously.) But by far, the best moment was the surprise intern sendoff party my close friends from ICC in Rhode Island threw for me.

(It's good to know that even the sharpest pains can heal, I mused.) 

In June, the next stage of the adventure continued to advance. The transition into a new stage of my life became event more apparent. For the first few days of June, I focused on planning my ICC chapter's showcase -- the last showcase I'll get to have before internship, and that too felt bittersweet, full-circle. At random moments, I started noticing things I love about my family life and how much I'll miss those things. I knew I'd miss my home to some extent, but I didn't know exactly how. In the moment it surprised me, but it makes sense now that I'd miss it in the little things: in the comfort of a familiar bed, in the feel of my dog's fur, in the constant sounds of my sister playing guitar.

(You don't realize how much you love something until you're about to lose it, I realized.)

June 11th hits, and from then on, it's full speed ahead, frantic preparations mixed with... well, some other important events. I finally took the test and got my permit. My cousin turned fifteen, which, being a once-in-a-lifetime experience, could not be ignored. And I made a decision that had been twelve years in the making. It had taken a long time to understand and push aside the fears, but I believe that the most beautiful things can't be rushed: they happen on their own when the timing's right. On June 13th, I was baptized.

(It's been a heck of ride, and that's only half a year, I think.)

Well then. Let's get to it, internship.

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