Stories and Starlight

i retraced my steps today, walked circles around my younger self. here is the place where i first hugged my best friend; the place where i now stand, five years later. here is the me of fourteen years,  as i look into the mirror and see her superimposed over me. she's still there, peeking out from behind my eyes and over the rim of my glasses. a face from before: all dark eyes and frizzed curls, anxiety, naivete. now, a face that betrays my mind a million times over; angled jaw and red lipstick. here is the memory; the inside-out deja vu; as i lose my sense of direction, and turn to find it again. originally written on july 3, 2022. photo by me.

i. the guardian your wings are warm and wide they circle the nest, cover it, envelop it Security.  you tell us someday, the wings will be gone,  nothing to separate us from the sky and air and the fall Alone. Free.  Terrifying. but words exist and evaporate (promises, promises…) while walls of wings remain. ii. the fledgling my wings have just come in.  they are imperfect, there are still feathers left to grow peering over the edge, I can see so far. Possibility.   I tell you someday I’ll be out and gone,  nothing to tether me back from  the sky and the air and the fall Alone. Terrified.  Free.  but the passage of time is too slow and not fast enough. I’m running out. I wonder how far I have to fall before I float (soon, one day soon…)  and if the pain of the                               ...

  We’re eight months away from turning twenty, and whenever something significant, or even mildly significant, happens, I keep thinking back to the past version of me who was pretty lost and raging at life — the past version of me that was you. I think you deserve a recap by now; maybe a touch of hope. (Maybe I need to remember these things too, and that’s why I’m telling you, because otherwise it would feel too silly to just tell my present self these things. Like a pep talk, but less cliché, I suppose. I hope.) I’m rediscovering my love of writing. It’s been about two years since I started writing again, and up to now it’s mostly been poetry, but I’m hoping to change that too. Fanfiction and prose and screenplays, maybe a novel someday. Definitely a memoir: it’s on my bucket list. I’m glad we’ve been keeping a diary since we were nine. We haven’t always been a consistent diarist, it’s true, but it’s helped me remember past versions of me like you more clearly.  You probably ...

photo via unsplash i just wish it could be simple i wish an onion didn’t have so many layers i wish the peeling of papery wrappers wouldn’t make me want to cry i wish that time could be examined  i wish moments could be held i wish you and i together had a reason, had a rhyme i wish love could be the answer i wish romance wouldn’t lie i wish little things like these every time we say goodbye i wish i’d leaned my head against your shoulder i wish you’d look me in the eye i wish it wouldn’t be so complicated to move on and have a life i wish i was a kinder person i wish well for you and her, but i wish i had been honest; when you asked, i said “i’m fine.” i wish the energy hadn’t faded i wish we’d lasted as a team i wish that at the very least, that was something i could keep i just wish it could be simple i wish i knew the reason why i keep wishing for a friendship that might really be a lie. *originally written in june 2021

aspiration (n.) |   steadfast longing for a higher goal, earnest desire for something above one. I. there's a screen in front of me, a keyboard under my fingers, a tune in my ears, but it's not enough to bring me out of my head. there's tomorrow in front of me,  and today's passing before my eyes, but no song in my heart, no words for my pen, no exit for my emotion. it sits and swells inside, bringing tears that threaten to spill over my smile. I don't know what to do about tomorrow, I don't know what to do about myself. II. I told you I didn't want to be just another face in the crowd. you said I would be just that unless I changed, and I don't want just that: I want to be more, to do more, to live more -- but all I do is feel  more, and the feelings bring me  down  into  myself. III. feelings are supposed to be liberating, but instead it seems they're limiting they consume me, like a river with nowhere to run they build until they pool, but never ...

friday, june 18 - saturday, june 26, 2021 --|--|--|-- || the highlights what happened that stood out This the first week I can remember in a long time when I've felt such a wide range of emotions, and I get the feeling it won't be the last.  iCon 2021 was a rollercoaster, but nevertheless a blast. One of my struggles was learning to be adaptable and working without a clear plan of what was coming next. I like to plan ahead and be prepared for possible outcomes, so I struggle a lot with  So, a little overview list: - a genuine sense of camaraderie - competing in my final tournament at the iCon 2021 International Championship - making it to showcase with our Much Ado About Nothing  OrAd and winning FIRST PLACE!! - working with the 15-18 year old student track - intern photo and video shoots - spontaneous dance parties - becoming well-acquainted with the hallway mirror, in which many selfies were taken - wildflower crowns - a really cute hat I got while exploring the neighbo...